An Agnostic Prays to God

Dear God,

Who, what, when, how, and why are you?

Are you there?  Are you something more than a wonderful idea designed to give us comfort?  Are you malleable, can I change your shape like putty?  Are you a man, woman, German Shepherd, or a Transgender  not welcome in public restrooms?

I don’t know what to think of you.  I don’t know whether to say a prayer or ask another question.  I don’t know whether to analyse or believe.

Can I ask you a serious question?  Did you like Beyonce better with Destiny’s Child or solo? Sorry, just trying to diffuse the tension…

I don’t get you.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t read the bible and didn’t go back to church after the age of 5.  Maybe it’s because I’m a cynic at heart.  Maybe it’s because I have a hard time believing anything without proof.  Maybe it’s because of the shit that goes on in the world.  Maybe it’s because-

If you were at a Freshman Orientation, how would you introduce yourself?    Would you say: “I am man”.  Would you say: “I’m here to save you”, or maybe “Y’all really need to stop shooting black people, like come on”?  Or would you say nothing at all?

Give me something to work with!  Are you a stranger on the bus, one of us?  Are you the universe, and the way the planets move?  Are you there, it’s me?

God, I want to explain myself to you.  I have a hard time looking up to you, because you don’t have the best track record.  You are our protector, but I don’t always feel that protected.  Everyday more innocent people die.  People are shot because of their race, clinics are burned because of a questioned life, homosexuals are kicked out of families, and women are raped and told to wear slacks next time.  Explain that to me, please.  Because if this is your plan, I don’t understand it.  I don’t understand how pain, death, and division is your plan.  And don’t give me that Adam and Eve crap, it’s not Eve’s fault, and never was.  If I had control of the Universe, then everyone would be happy, loved, and respected.  The only war would be CupCake wars and there would not be any walls.  If you are in control, why not create a utopia for your creations?

But, if you are there, I also have to say thank you.  Because there is still beauty in this world.  So, thank you.  Thank you for keeping traffic lights green for me when I’m in a hurry, for not letting me get hit that one time I was driving, for creating the beings who created music and Tv, and for letting their be perfect matches.

Dear God, I know this probably isn’t the kind of prayer you usually receive.  Someday, I hope to understand you.  I hope to be able to change my religion from confused to sure, one way or another.  Until then, I will look up, in search of an answer for what is true and false.  I will look inside myself for answers, and I will find my belief along the way.

Thank you for listening.

 

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